Wedding
Marriage and Lifepartnering
Genesis tells us that God recognized “it is not good for man to be alone” and created the first human couple, Adam and Eve. Their “marriage” ensured the propagation and survival of humanity, and the joy of this archetypal couple is reflected in one of the Jewish wedding blessings: “Make these beloved companions as happy as were the first human couple in the Garden of Eden.”
Jewish marriage is not merely a secular legal partnership, but a union sanctified by God. Marital obligations, therefore, are not merely personal, but have implications for universal harmony. The existence of God as a “silent partner” in Jewish marriage endows a relationship with sanctity and solemn commitment.
Auf Ruf
It is traditional for the groom to receive an aliyah to the Torah on the Shabbat prior to his wedding. In Reform, Reconstructionist, and some Conservative synagogues, both bride and groom are usually called to the Torah. This ceremony is called auf ruf, which, in Yiddish, means “calling up.” After reciting the blessings, the Rabbi usually offers a special blessing for the couple. Another popular practice of auf ruf involves the bride and groom hosting an Oneg Shabbat on Friday night for the whole congregation.
In general, the practice of auf ruf is a means of involving the entire community in pre-wedding festivities, and helping ritualize the union in the context of Shabbat services.
Ketubah
As summarized by Anita Diamant, “The ketubah is one of the oldest and one of the least romantic elements of Jewish weddings. It is a legal contract, pure and simple. In its traditional form the ketubah does not mention love or trust or the establishment of a Jewish home or even God.” The ketubah, or marriage contract, was created in the 1st century CE to protect the woman in marriage. The document spelled out the husband’s obligations in marriage (the wife’s were assumed) and provided for a financial settlement for her in the event of divorce. It is not a contract between equals, but a statement, signed by witnesses, that the groom “acquired” the bride “with two hundred silver zuzim , which is due you according to the Torah law…” on such and such a date and agrees to support her. For its time, it was an incredibly progressive document – a man could no longer discard his wife on a whim, leaving her financially bereft.
Although it was a great advance for its time, the traditional ketubah does not address the realities of marriage in our day. The elaborate economic arrangements for the dissolution of a marriage as spelled out in a traditional ketubah have become meaningless, and the changed aspirations, roles and responsibilities of women and men find no expression in a contract that demands specific duties and responsibilities of the groom but asks the bride for nothing in return. New ketubot impose many choices on couples, starting with the content of the document. Some brides and grooms use the traditional Aramaic text but select or write an entirely different text in English. Others opt for alternate text in both Hebrew and English.
It has become customary for the ketubah to be more than a traditional legal document, and now many couples select ketubot that are aesthetically beautiful and can be displayed as art in the home. Calligraphy, paper cutting, and painting are common artistic additions to the modern ketubah, and offer a wide range of options for any couple to customize the ketubah to suit their tastes.
Ceremony: Chuppah
The wedding ceremony takes place beneath the chuppah. This wedding canopy symbolizes the couple’s new home – fragile, yet purposefully open on all sides to all possible futures and directions. The embrace of the chuppah reflects the divine presence in the couple’s lives as they embark on the journey of partnership together.
The sages find a reference to the chuppah in the talmudic passage in Avot, referring to the house which is open on four sides. The Jerusalemite R. Yosi ben Yohanan urges, “Let your house be wide open,” and compares the chuppah to the tent of the patriarch Abraham that, according to Jewish tradition, had entrances on all four sides to welcome wayfarers, so that no traveler, no matter from which direction he came, need be burdened searching for an entrance door. The chuppah, with four open sides, is thus a symbol of the Jewish home filled with hesed (acts of love), an important component of which is hakhnasat orhim (hospitality to strangers), a mode of conduct that the newly married couple is expected to establish in their home in emulation of their patriarchal forebear, whose hospitality to strangers was legendary.
In some circles, it is customary for two people to lead the groom to the chuppah to the accompaniment of appropriate music. In other circles, however, the groom is accompanied by a larger retinue, since the groom is likened to a king. There are varying customs regarding who accompanies the principals to the chuppah. Sometimes the groom is accompanied by his parents and the bride by hers. Indeed, this custom is cited by the Zohar, which says, “The father and mother of the bride bring her to the domain of the groom.” However, there is no Jewish tradition of a father “giving away the bride.”
Circling
Among many Jews, it is customary for the bride to be escorted around the groom under the chuppah three times or seven times. Many consider the customs to relate to an eschatological passage in Jeremiah in which the prophet speaks of a time in the future when relationships between men and women will be reversed and “the woman will court the man.” The Hebrew term employed in the passage for “will court” is t’sovev, literally, “will encircle.”
Others see in the custom of the bride circling her groom a symbol of the wife creating a metaphoric wall around her husband to guard against him from outside desires and influences. This is in keeping with a passage in the Song of Songs referring to a woman as a wall, and a talmudic teaching that “whoever lives without a wife lives without a [protective] wall.” The sages comment that a man’s wife is like a wall, protecting him from external temptations. After her circling, the bride, by stepping into the symbolic circle she has created, marks the couple’s new status in society as a married couple; she has created a community of two, around which there is an intimate wall of privacy, independent and shielded from the rest of society.
Some couples opt to have the bride and groom circle each other, as a symbol of each showing dedication and commitment to the other. Other couples will choose to have the bride circle the groom, and then the groom circle the bride, as a means of embracing both traditional custom and modern egalitarianism.
Ceremony: Erusin
The Jewish wedding ceremony comprises two major sections: erusin (betrothal) and nissuin (marriage). When the bride and groom have reached the chuppah (marriage canopy), the erusin ceremony begins. It is a simple ceremony, marked by two blessings recited by the presiding Rabbi, who holds a cup of wine. The first blessing, over wine, is one said at almost all joyous occasions. The second blessing is unique to this occasion and reads as follows:
“Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe, Who has sanctified us with Your commandments, and commanded us regarding forbidden unions, and Who forbad betrothed women to us, and permitted to us those married to us by chuppah and kiddushin. Praised are You, Adonai, Who sanctifies the people Israel with chuppah and kiddushin.”
After the completion of the second blessing, the Rabbi gives the cup of wine to the groom, who drinks of it; the cup is then presented to the bride, who drinks from the same cup, symbolizing their commitment to sharing their lives from that moment on.
Several crucial themes of the Jewish wedding are expressed in the seemingly simple language of these few lines of this second blessing. First, the liturgical language points to older customs, for in earlier times the Jewish wedding took place in stages over the course of an entire year. At the first ceremony, erusin, the couple was reserved for each other and was forbidden to have relationships with anyone else. But it was not until approximately a year later, at the nissuin ceremony, that they were permitted to consummate their relationship sexually and that the bride moved into the groom’s home.
The language of the second blessing, “who forbad betrothed women to us, and permitted to us those married to us by chuppah and kiddushin,” reflects this earlier practice, and apparently served in ancient times as a warning to the couple not to cohabit until the completion of the second ceremony. Many Rabbis now offer a different interpretation of this blessing during the wedding ceremony to focus more on the idea of consecration and commitment.
Formalizing the Marriage With a Ring
At this point in the traditional ceremony, the couple performs the specific act that formalizes the marriage. Today it is customary for the couple to place a ring on each other’s right index finger and recite in Hebrew a phrase that means, “Behold, by this ring you are consecrated to me as my husband/wife/partner according to the laws of Moses and Israel.” Once again, the words “according to the laws of Moses and Israel” suggest the themes of covenant and community, central throughout the ceremony.
In earlier times, too, various items, including fruits and a prayerbook, could be used to symbolize the betrothal, though today a ring is the most common token. Even so, the nature of that ring is still regulated by Jewish law. Tradition requires that the ring not have gems on it, which would make its value difficult for the bride to assess. Similarly, while the ring may be decorated, the decorations should not be cut out of the ring, for the circularity and solidity of the metal suggest the permanence of the relationship now being created.
Reading the Ketubah
After the ring ceremony, the ketubah is read aloud, marking the division between the formerly separated elements of the marriage ritual.
Ceremony: Nissuin
Immediately following the reading of the ketubah (the marriage contract), the second ceremony begins. This ceremony involves the recitation of seven blessings and hence is commonly referred to as the Sheva Berakhot (“Seven Blessings”). During the recitation of these blessings, as was the case in the first ceremony, the Rabbi holds a cup of wine aloft. And once again, upon completion of the blessings, groom and bride drink from the cup.
The most striking characteristic of the blessings is that, with the exception of the last one, they focus not on love, but on the theme of creation. In addition to referring to God as “Creator of the fruit of the vine” in the omnipresent blessing over wine, the liturgy refers to God as creator of all things, creator of man, creator of man and woman, and creator of the peace of the Garden of Eden. The theme of creation plays several significant roles in the ceremony. First, it relates to the Jewish conception of marriage as a natural state and suggests that, by marrying, the couple now enters this appropriate condition. Second, it suggests that the marriage furthers God’s process of creation, furthering a project the tradition sees as yet unfulfilled.
Addressing the Couple
If the Rabbi speaks at the ceremony, he or she usually does so just before or after the seven blessings. But it is not unusual for more than one person to address the couple under the chuppah, at any of several points during the ceremony. Some Rabbis also elect to offer a separate blessing for the couple, often the tripartite “Priestly Blessing” (Numbers 6:24-26).
Breaking the Glass
The next, and final, ritual element of the ceremony is the shattering of a glass. Traditionally, it is the groom who shatters the glass with his foot, though in some more modern communities groom and bride both do so. Most traditional commentators explain this custom as having originated with incidents recorded in the Talmud in which Mar, the son of Ravina, and Rav Ashi deliberately smashed costly glass at their sons’ weddings to put a stop to the raucous dancing and celebrating.
Modern explanations have focused on a more solemn theme, claiming that the broken glass reminds Jews assembled at a joyous occasion of the Temples and recalling those individuals, Jew and non-Jew alike, who do not have the freedom to celebrate either religiously or publicly. A more mystical explanation of the ceremony is that the glass represents the couple and that just as the glass, when it is broken, enters a state from which it will never emerge, it is the hope of the community that this couple will never emerge from their married state. Still others interpret this ritual as a shattered reminder of a world not yet whole. Through this partnership and future life together, the couple will strive to continue the process of repairing and rebuilding the world.
Divorce
Judaism views marriage as a sacred partnership. As such, partners who can no longer live in a sacred way with one another may divorce. Judaism has always recognized this reality, although, according to the Talmud, “When a man divorces the wife of his youth, even the altar of God sheds tears” (Gittin 90b).
Jewish divorce first appears in the Torah. Deuteronomy 24:1 says that if a wife “fails to please because he finds something obnoxious about her… he writes her a bill of divorcement, hands it to her, and sends her away from his house.” Even today the basic ritual act of a traditional Jewish divorce is for the husband to hand the wife a get, or bill of divorce.
For a divorce to take place, the couple must arrange to appear before a beit din, or rabbinic court, which has expertise in the laws of Jewish divorce. A traditional divorce also requires two observant male witnesses as well as a sofer, or scribe, to actually write the get on a piece of parchment.
One of the Rabbis then questions the participants. The Rabbi ascertains that the scribe has written the get at the instruction of the husband; that the witnesses heard the husband ask the sofer to write the get; and that of their own free will the husband gave the get and the wife accepted it. The Rabbi also gives anyone else present an opportunity to protest the divorce. The wife holds her hands together, palms up, and the husband drops the get into her hands, making an oral declaration that she is divorced and “free to become the wife of any man.” She walks a few paces holding the get and hands it back to the Rabbi.
To ensure that the get is correct, the Rabbi reads it again with the witnesses, who must identify both the get and the signatures. Then the Rabbi tears the get’s four corners so it cannot be re-used, files it, and gives the husband and wife a shetar piturin, a document of release, freeing them to remarry.
Reform Understandings
In 1869, the Reform movement voted to accept civil divorce alone as dissolving a marriage. The decision grew out of a concern over the power imbalance in a Jewish divorce (which must be granted by the husband) and the devastating consequences for traditional women who could not obtain a get, or Jewish bill of divorce. In recent years, contemporary Reform Jews have begun to recognize that a religious divorce can provide spiritual and psychological closure, and some Rabbis are offering modified Jewish divorce ceremonies.
These new ceremonies reframe the traditional, legalistic tone of the male-centered get into a religious ritual of annulment and mourning. These new understandings of Jewish divorce can be applied to many types of relational separation, and the religious context can help give voice to painful emotions and help initiate the process of healing. Some families have found that such a ritual can also help their children find a structure in which the marriage or partnership can be mourned.
Phone: (212) 362-8800, Fax: (212) 877-6526, Email: info@crsnyc.org
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Known for his sweet and “sumptuous” (New York Times) tone, American-born Doori Na took up violin at the age of four and began his studies with Li Lin at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music. He quickly made his first performance with orchestra at age seven with the Peninsula Youth Symphony as the first prize winner of the concerto competition. Thereafter Mr. Na went on to win top prizes in The Sound of Music Festival, The Korea Times Youth Music Competition, the Chinese Music Teacher’s Association, The Menuhin Dowling Young Artist Competition, The Junior Bach Festival, VOCE of the Music Teacher’s Association of California, and The Pacific Musical Society. Receiving full scholarships to private high school Crossroads School of Arts and Sciences in Santa Monica, he moved to Los Angeles to study with renown violin teacher, Robert Lipsett, at The Colburn Music School. There he appeared as soloist with the Palisades Symphony, Brentwood Symphony, and Torrance Symphony. During that time, the summer of 2004 was Mr. Na’s first time at the Perlman Music Program where his expression and musical identity were greatly influenced. He has been a part of the program ever since and participated in many of their special residencies in Florida, Vermont, New York, and Israel.
Violinist Michael Roth is a native of Scarsdale, NY and received his early musical training with Frances Magnes at the Hoff-Barthelson Music School. He attended Oberlin College and Conservatory, continuing his studies with Marilyn McDonald. At Oberlin, he won the Kaufman Prize for violin and First Prize in the Ohio String Teacher’s Association Competition. He completed his Master of Music degree at the University of Massachusetts where he worked with the distinguished American violinist and pedagogue Charles Treger and was a recipient of the Julian Olevsky Award. Mr. Roth is currently associate concertmaster of the New York City Ballet Orchestra and has appeared in chamber music and as a soloist with the company, most recently in the debut of “Slice Too Sharp”, a ballet of Biber and Vivaldi violin concerti, and “After the Rain”, violin music of Arvo Part. In addition he is a member of the Mostly Mozart Festival Orchestra, Principal 2nd violin of the Westchester Philharmonic, the American Composers Orchestra and the New York Pops. He was concertmaster of the Vermont Mozart Festival Orchestra for many years and often appeared as soloist there, as well as at the Caramoor and Bard Music Festivals. He has played and toured internationally with the Orpheus Chamber Orchestra and the New York Chamber Soloists.
Sarah Adams, viola, performs locally with the New York Chamber Ensemble, the Claring Chamber Players, the Sherman Chamber Ensemble, the Friends of Mozart, and the Saratoga Chamber Players.
Praised by the New York Times as “irresistible in both music and performance.” flutist, 
Rabbi Mira Weller (she/her) received her ordination at Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Los Angeles in May 2022. She studied Culture and Politics at Georgetown University’s School of Foreign Service and received her Master’s in Jewish Education at the Rhea Hirsch School of Education at HUC-JIR. She is the proud recipient of awards for her studies in rabbinic literature, her work in Jewish education, and she was granted the Myrtle Lorch Pfaelzer-Monroe Pfaelzer Award for an Outstanding Female Rabbinical School Student (2022). Rabbi Mira speaks Hebrew and Spanish (so please practice with her!). She has a passion for uncovering new possibilities in the great wealth of our tradition and for making music inspired by Judaism’s many cultures. Her guilty pleasures include cupcakes, classical music, and philosophy.
Based in New York since 2001, South African-born pianist, composer and producer has performed on four continents in leading venues such as Carnegie Hall, had her original music performed in venues such as New York’s Lincoln Center, appeared on a host of recordings of classical, world music and multi-genre recordings and produced numerous recordings and inter-disciplinary programs from Cape Town to Los Angeles. She has created her own unique language at the piano, made up of techniques she developed and experimented with to expand the piano into a full electro – acoustic orchestra.
Alan Goodis is a touring Jewish musician playing over 150 events a year. Born and raised in Toronto, Alan is a proud product of URJ Goldman Union Camp Institute. Noted for his dedication to building relationships and community through music, Alan tours throughout the US to serve as an Artist-In-Residence and performer at Temples, Youth Conventions and Jewish summer camps.
Julie Silver is one of the most celebrated and beloved performers in the world of contemporary Jewish music today. She tours throughout the world, and has been engaging audiences with her gorgeous compositions and liturgical settings, her lyrical guitar playing, her dynamic stage presence, and her megawatt smile for over 25 years.
Dan is a product of the URJ Jewish camping movement. He has toured Jewish summer camps across North America for the last 15 years. A classically trained singer, Dan received his Bachelor of Music degree in vocal performance at the University of North Carolina. In 1995, realizing the potential of music to make powerful connections with Jewish youth, Dan established the Jewish rock band Eighteen. Since that time, Dan and Eighteen have released 13 albums. Songs like, L’takein, B’tzelem Elo-him, Kehillah Kedoshah, Chazak, Sweet As Honey, and Asher Yatzar have become Jewish communal anthems throughout North America.
Naomi Less is an internationally celebrated singer/songwriter, ritualist and educator. Beloved for her warm smile and inviting presence, communities celebrate her imagination and innovation, tenderness and pizzazz! Her original music is sung in worship communities worldwide. Naomi serves as Co-Founder, Ritual Leader and Associate Director of Lab/Shul and is a leader in amplifying women’s voices through her work at Songleader Boot Camp and her Jewish Women Rock show on Jewish Rock Radio. Naomiadvocates for people struggling with fertility journeys as a performance artist and speaker for Uprooted: A Jewish Response to Fertility Challenges. Fun fact: Naomi and her husband wrote the song shine/Yivarech’cha, a Friday night blessing, specifically composed for URJ Crane Lake Camp, sung every Friday night in the dining hall.
Her destiny became obvious to Joanie Leeds’ parents when, at the tender age of 2, Joanie grabbed the performer’s mic at a party and belted out the entire song“Tomorrow” from Annie. Jaws dropped! No one could remember ever hearing a big voice like that coming from one so tiny and certainly no one would have thought she would one day earn a GRAMMY® Award for her original music.
A composer, multi-instrumentalist, and prayer leader, Elana Arian is one of the leading voices in contemporary Jewish music. Elana’s music is part of Jewish life across the globe, and her compositions are sung in spiritual communities, summer camps, and synagogues from Louisville to London, from Chicago to the CzechRepublic, and everywhere in between. Elana just released her fourth album of original music, The Other Side of Fear, and her compositions have been published in countless Transcontinental Music collections. Elana serves proudly on the faculty of Hava Nashira (Oconomowoc, WI), the Wexner Heritage Foundation (Aspen, CO), Shirei Chagiga (London, England), and as an instructor at the Hebrew Union College in New York, where she teaches in the Debbie Friedman School of Sacred Music. Elana has performed at Carnegie Hall, Lincoln Center, Tanglewood, and perhaps most memorably, five separate appearances at the (Obama) White House. She lives in New York with her wife, Julia, and their two daughters, Maya and Acadia.
Known for his unique, engaging, and deeply soulful approach, Noah Aronson is considered one of the most sought after Jewish musicians in North America, making over 65 community appearances each year.
There is a reason why Time Magazine has listed Michelle in their Top Ten list of Jewish rock stars.
Kol B’Seder has been composing and performing contemporary Jewish music since the early1970s. Rabbi Dan Freelander and Cantor Jeff Klepper met as college students; over the past 50years they have released numerous CDs and songbooks. With Debbie Friedman (z”l) and others, they forged a new musical sound for American Jewish camps, schools and synagogues. Their songs, such as “Shalom Rav,” “Modeh Ani,” and “Lo Alecha,” have become traditionalJewish melodies around the world. They are delighted to be inaugurating their fiftieth anniversary celebration by appearing in support of URJ camps, where they first composed and incubated many of their early songs.
New York bassist Roger Wagner enjoys a long and diverse career. As soloist, chamber musician, and orchestral bassist, Mr. Wagner has appeared on many of the world’s great concert stages.
Margaret Kampmeier, 
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Sarah Adams 
Michael Roth
Our initiative for young children and their grown-ups provides a slate of offerings including Shabbat and holiday celebrations, music, classroom readiness programs, and new parent experiences. During the pandemic, we have leaned on $1m of seed funding for Sholom Sprouts established through this campaign as we offer age-appropriate virtual programs for our families with young children, who are the future of our community. We look forward to welcoming our littlest members and their grown-ups back to our new fifth floor, as well as hiring a Program Assistant to increase the capacity of Sholom Sprouts to grow. This program provides a crucial entry-point to the congregation and membership for young families.
