We were so privileged to have trustee and longtime congregant Denise Sobel speak at Pride Shabbat this June. Her remarks were much needed at time when the nation was grieving at the tragedy in the LGBT community in Orlando, Florida. We asked Denise if we could publish her speech and offer it as a way to embrace healing and love for all.
Remarks by Denise Sobel for Pride Shabbat at
Congregation Rodeph Sholom, New York City
June 17, 2016
Good evening and Shabbat Shalom.
Over the past few years, the Pride Shabbat service here at Rodeph Sholom has evolved to feature congregant voices, as a way of collectively experiencing the perspectives of fellow congregants, and helping to drive home messages that are immediately personal and relevant. I have been asked to share my story about my experience as a parent of a queer daughter.
In Jim Cathcart’s book, The Acorn Principle, it is said that an acorn is capable of becoming a mighty oak, but it will never become a giant redwood – no matter how much you feed or push it.
The general idea is, you have a child, but you have no idea how they are going to grow up.
When my daughter was a sophomore in high school, she came home from a NFTY weekend retreat, an event sponsored by Rodeph Sholom, and announced she was in love with a girl from Religious School. As she bubbled over with excitement, I could see she was in love as only a 15-year-old can be. One hundred percent puppy love. I guess I was happy for her, just wistful that it wasn’t a boy. That would have made her life easier, and we parents all want to make our children’s lives easier.
I had no idea how relaxed and accepting I was as a parent until a few years later, when I heard heart-breaking stories of gay teens being rejected by their families. Since her dad and step-mom and the rest of the family (including her grandparents) was equally accepting of her being gay, I sort of assumed that most families felt as I did. After all, we were living on the Upper West Side in New York City where it’s “cool” to be different.
As a parent, I was lucky that I didn’t have pressure from my grandparents and parents that my child had to be a certain way. With respect to Naomi, I was lucky that some of my expectations came true. It happened that I already had a good relationship with my entire family, and my community, including the clergy here at Rodeph Sholom. So when Naomi was questioning whether she was gay or not, she had people she could talk to that she already had a relationship with.
Naomi had really connected with the clergy and the Religious School even before she became a bat mitzvah. Rabbi Matt Gewirtz had joined the clergy as an intern. That was about the same time that Rodeph Sholom hired our first female rabbi, Camille Angel, who happened to be gay. The clergy decided not to present her to the community as a gay rabbi, but rather present her as our newest rabbi.
As all this was happening, Naomi was coming out, and, because she had such a close relationship with the clergy, she was able to talk about her sexuality with them. Just as she was learning more about how to be deepen her involvement with Judaism, they were learning from her how to gradually bring the community along. You want to have patience and compassion for people who think differently, who mean well, but say something that is insensitive. It’s a process.
I like to compare the process to driving on a highway. We are all going to the same destination, but we are going to get there in different ways. Accept that some people are going to say, “I’m right with you, I’ll follow behind you.” Other people want to go faster, or slower. Not everyone is going to use his or her turn signal on the road, but basically you hope that everyone is going the same way.
My daughter asked me if I would be disappointed if she decided not to have children. Luckily for her (and for me), I didn’t automatically expect that just because I had a daughter meant, that I was entitled to grandchildren. My hopes and expectations for my daughter were that she would be kind, thoughtful, and try to do what she could to make the world a better place. So far, so good. It turns out she is all of the above, as well as being very smart and an observant Jew. She’s more “frumm” than Reform.
I don’t know what it’s like to be gay, but I do know what it’s like to have a parent reject you. When I converted to Judaism before I got married, my parents had different opinions. My father was very supportive of my decision to convert. My mother did not share in my father’s enthusiasm. She was devastated and could not quite grasp why I wanted to convert to Judaism. Throughout her life, she was embarrassed, angry, and ashamed of me being Jewish, in fact, it took a lot of persuasion for my father to convince her to attend my wedding.
My mother was so excited when she found out she was going to have her first granddaughter. As far as she was concerned, Naomi was perfect in every way, except that she was Jewish. As long as we didn’t talk about Judaism, everything was fine. So out of respect for my mother, and to keep the peace, I never talked about it when she was around.
Just as I became used to saying how proud I am to have a lesbian daughter and how much I really like her girlfriend, my daughter began dating a trans guy, who started as a she, now is a he. Yes, the process is a bit confusing for friends as well – They would say with a perplexed tone, “I thought your daughter was gay.” “Is she straight now?” “What happened?”
I am proud to say, last year, my daughter became engaged to that very same trans guy, who is a rabbi …. so lots of congratulations. “Where did they meet?” “Where is his synagogue?” All seemingly innocent and normal questions, and all with the assumption that this rabbi started his life as a man. “You’re so lucky!” “How did you do it?” “I can’t even get my daughter to date a nice Jewish boy. . . .”
Then they ask, “What’s his name?”
I say, “Rabbi Becky Silverstein,” only to be met with a pause and confusion.
“Did you say Becky?”
“Yes,” I said,” Becky.”
I know – it’s confusing. Yes, my daughter is engaged to a man named “Becky,” a man born in a woman’s body. He changed his Hebrew name from “Rivka” to “Ezra,” but kept “Becky.” They became engaged a year and a half ago and have been happily married for over five months. But I still get it wrong. I will be bragging about my son-in-law one minute, and the next, mention his name and accidentally call him a “she.”
In the book of Exodus, Moses tells his followers, “Na-aseh v’neeshma”– “we will do and we will hear.” This statement means that we will carry out God’s commandments even before understanding what the observance of these commandments actually involves. Judaism is a religion of deed rather than of intention. A person who performs a mitzvah without focusing on its significance has nevertheless fulfilled a religious obligation.
So when it comes to understanding my daughter or her transgender husband, it doesn’t matter if I understand it or not; I just want her to be happy and support her. I may not understand it but I don’t need to. I just need to accept it and eventually understand it in time.
This has been and continues to be a progressive and beautiful learning experience. This continues to bring me and my daughter closer, and gives me a better understanding of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer community as a whole, and to you, let me say that there are way more of us for you than against you.
Although all of our hearts are still heavy from the events in Orlando, I know, for myself, that this has only strengthened my conviction. Let us all move forward with respect and understanding for one another.
